I am not giving up alcohol this October

FebFast, Dry July, Oscober, Droptober (cut out booze and you’ll lose weight) – for a third of the year we are made to feel guilty about enjoying alcohol. More than a third if you count all the publicity these events get in the month beforehand. Let’s name the next one Bore-gust, so the smug suddenly-sober can sit around with their sparkly eyes and talk about how their lives are sooo much better now that they get up early on Sunday mornings.

Sure, these things are for good causes – cancer, kids, “healthy lifestyles” whatever that means, but apparently it doesn’t include the cheek-aching laughter that happens when you drink with friends. But if the cause is so great, then why all the body policing? After all, telling people they should give up alcohol for a month in order to lose weight and get sparkly eyes and give their livers “a break” (which I’m not convinced about because livers are very good at what they do), isn’t really in the spirit of doing it to raise money for charity, is it?

To borrow a wonderful phrase from Marieke Hardy‘s You’ll be sorry when I’m dead, I like living life blurrily. My life does not revolve around alcohol, but alcohol is certainly a part of it. Just like food and reading and live music and blogging. Besides, I gave up alcohol for six months in 2000 (long story, but it involves an alcoholic and a broken heart), and became so smug, judgey and boring that even I didn’t want to hang out with me.

I know it’s Michelle Bridges’ job to tell people they should lose weight. Otherwise she wouldn’t sell books or get clients. But don’t assume that we all want or need to lose weight. Enough with the body policing.

In her Sunday Life column yesterday, she wrote:

At some point in our lives, we need to start saying “no” to ritually tucking in to lollies and cakes. Colour me cynical on this one, but I believe that when we are no longer children, we should leave behind childish things.

Firstly, why? And secondly, booooorrrrriiiiinnnnng. In my experience, people who keep a child-like joy in their lives are the ones who are the happiest.

There’s something very weird about a grown man or woman walking out of a fast-food outlet holding a double whopper dopper burger and a bucket of cola.

What’s weird about an adult buying food? Personally, I think it’s funny that people drink coke (I used to clean the toilet with it, works wonders in a grubby sharehouse), but if people want to drink it, that’s their business. You’d hope that someone in the health industry would have a stronger argument than just “grow up because softdrinks are for children”. One that’s perhaps, you know, backed up by science.

She also writes that “a piece of sponge cake in the office every Friday afternoon” is a junk food habit and you should stop it. Bollocks. If you get a piece of sponge cake every Friday, then I say enjoy it. Enjoy the break from your desk, enjoy the chatting with colleagues, enjoy the ritual of sharing a cake at the end of the week. Also, can I come and work with you?

(Disclaimer: I am not a health professional and this is not health advice. If you are concerned about your liver, see a GP to have it tested. You wouldn’t take medical advice from me, so why take it from a personal trainer with a barrow to push?)

Women drink so they can’t smell vaginas?

A story in the Herald Sun today claims women need alcohol to have sex:

MILLIONS of women drink alcohol before having sex because they lack confidence in their bodies, a study reveals.

Almost half of those questioned said they preferred sex while under the influence of alcohol because it helped them lose their inhibitions and be more adventurous.

Millions? The study involved 3000 women, so by millions you mean thousands, right? And by “almost half” that means less than half. So less than half of the women surveyed said alcohol helped them lose their inhibitions. Which means that more than half didn’t say that. But don’t let that get in the way of a highly-clickable story about women and sex.

Four out of 10 had been tipsy when sleeping with a partner for the first time.

Considering that most dates would involve dinner and a bottle of wine, that says more about the dating process than women needing to drink to put out.

The study found 75 per cent of women liked to drink before getting into bed with their husband or boyfriend, and 6 per cent had never had sex sober.

That six per cent aside, I wonder how the question was asked. I like to drink, and when I drink I usually do it in the evening/night and then I go to bed. I live with Man Friend and he also goes to bed. But that certainly doesn’t mean what the researcher is suggesting.

Now to the company behind the study: Femfresh. They make a “delicately fragranced, gentle deodorising mist specifically formulated for everyday intimate use”. It’s euphemistically called Feminine Deodorant. Why not just call it Vagina Wash? By the way, has anyone read Wetlands by Charlotte Roche? Now there’s a woman in touch with her vagina.

Last week The Daily Mail ran a story claiming that women can’t keep secrets.

Ever wondered how long a woman can keep a secret? Well the answer, it seems, is less than two days.

Researchers found that they will typically spill the beans to someone else in 47 hours and 15 minutes.

Well, now that you mention it, I hadn’t wondered how long women can keep a secret for, because all women are different.

A study of 3000 women aged between 18 and 65 also found that four in ten were unable to keep a secret, no matter how personal or confidential the news was.

Four in ten, eh? So less than half of the women surveyed shared secrets. But that didn’t stop Michael Cox, the UK director of Wines of Chile – who commissioned the study – making a dick of himself: “It’s official – women can’t keep secrets. That means every single Brit who has confided in a friend should be worried because they don’t know where their secret is heading.”